Very British! ~ Memorable Images 48 : The Englishman

Pictured below: English university students enjoying a Whitsuntide drink at the turn of the century.

“The Englishman’s home is his castle.”

“The Engishman’s best friend is his dog.”

“Maddogs and Englishmen go out in the midday sun.”

Perhaps the Englishman is best summed up by the Paddy Roberts’ record, see lyrics below, “L’Anglais avec son sang froid” – The Englishman and his usual bloody cold.

Oh the Englishman is noted for his “sang froid”
Which translated means his usual bloody cold
And he loves his pipe and slippers and the missus and the nippers
And he’s happy simply growing old
And he never says a word if he can help it
That’s why people say he’s always full of phlegm
He’s quite unmoved by atom bombs and rockets to the sun
He never speaks to strangers for it simply isn’t done
But when cricket starts his fury’s uncontrolled
The Englishman with his usual blood cold

Oh the Englishman could not be called romantic
His technique is not particularly good
All the French and the Italians chase their women round like stallions
But the Englishman’s a suet pud
And the slightest demonstration of affection
He regards as being rather infradig
He says the way the French behave is absolutely nuts
He’d like to try it really but he hasn’t got the guts
He’s scared to death the neighbours might be told
The Englishman with his usual blood cold

Oh! The Englishman has lot of little foibles
And some of them are really past belief
For he’s still of the opinion that the folk in each dominion all regard
him as the big white chief
But in spite of all of his curious delusions
Underneath it all he has a heart of gold
And when the Armageddon comes
And all the world is dust
And men will come to judgement as we know they surely must
He’ll be there with his umbrella neatly rolled
The Englishman and his usual blood cold
The Englishman and his usual blood cold
Atchoo

by Paddy Roberts

The following quite extraordinary article is taken from the eurunion.org magazine. It is not often that I would quote from this magazine at SterlingTimes, but I like their 2001 presentation of England. The Englishman and England in the Year 2100.

England has become what it always dreamed of being, an island unto itself.

After expulsion from the European Union in 2032 and the collapse of the thirty-five-year alliance as the fifty-first state of the United States, the country again stands proudly alone and separate.

Today, in the year 2100, England is following its own traditions, withdrawn from the world outside. Scotland and Wales have long since gone their own way as part of the Celtic Club, together with the Irish and the Bretons.

Europe Beyond the New Century 2100

In 2100 London, some familiar vestiges of the twentieth century remain, such as red double-decker busesalthough they now silently cruise along on a cushion of air.

The divine right of kings has been re-established as the centuries of experimentation with parliamentary rule and various forms of democracy proved to be divisive, and ultimately ineffective in the face of autocratic multinational corporations. Now the king rules as a benevolent dictator, and once again God is an Englishman.

Every Englishmans home is his castle, albeit a high-tech castle where interconnectivity means that all of life can be ordered from within and all needs satisfied by issuing a few thought-commands to the central “Utility and Life Needs” system.

During their virtual reality history lessons children viewing the computer mouse of a hundred years earlier fall about laughing. “Everyone knows that you think-issue the order, and it happens. Silly, primitive twentieth century man,” they say thoughtlessly. But many of the external manifestations of the twentieth century Englishmans environment have been reinstated.

The once beloved red “telephone” boxes are back on every corner, serving as “Complete Life Communication Modules.” Red double-decker buses whoosh along on their cushion of air, taking people around the cities or out to the “Personal-Transport-Unit” parks on the outskirts. And, having rejected both Europe and the US, naturally all traffic once again drives on the left.

It was after the collapse of the Grand Atlantic Alliance, during which England became the fifty-first state of the US, that a reversion to as many old ways as possible accelerated. First to go was decimal currency. Back came pounds, shillings, and pence, and twelve rather than ten became the mathematical base.

Liters and kilos had, of course, gone with withdrawal from the EU. Back were gallons and pints, pounds, and ounces. Meters and centimeters had been replaced by yards, feet, and inches.

Unfortunately, some of the retro-English developments have been a bit distressing. With huge tariff barriers against the importation of “foreign muck” foods, the Englishman has reverted to his tradition of eating overcooked, fatty, and greasy foods. Fish and chips and pork pies delivered to every home in the land through the “Shakespeare Food Chain Pipe” ensure that food is fast, cheap, and consistently poor in quality. Still, there is roast beef again and Yorkshire pudding too, both of which had been banned in the early part of the century by the bureaucrats of Brussels.

With expulsion from the European Union for persistently and irritatingly questioning the logic and effectiveness of EU decisions, the English have been able to really indulge their eccentricities.

Many quintessential English traits and practices of the nineteenth and twentieth century reappeared as the island race drew in on itself. Courtesy and good manners are back, and men give up their seats to ladies on the transport modules. Despite long exposure to the American way of life, people have reverted to their tradition of not speaking to anyone unless they are formally introduced, and they always say “sorry” if you step on their toes.

Today, every true Englishman wears a bowler hat, a pin-stripe suit, and carries a rolled umbrella. No one can quite see the point of the umbrella, as global warming has made it obsolete, but the king insists on it!